Published: July 01, 2008 05:17 pm            

The Back Porch: Ready or not? Be open to advice from experience

Originally published in the June 27, 2008, print edition.

With less than a month to go before oldest daughter Elizabeth and Mark’s wedding many people are asking the bride and groom-to-be and their families if they’re ready for the big day. This being my first mother-of-the-bride wedding, I’m not sure what “ready” feels like, but I’m quite confident I haven’t experienced it to date.

Regardless of the flower, food and favor details, and the endless number of lists, there’s a much bigger question to be asked: Are you ready for the marriage? Thinking back 20-plus years to my own wedding and the marriage that followed, let me share a few thoughts from a mother’s heart to my sweet Elizabeth. There’s a plethora of advice out there for newlyweds. Here’s hoping you’ll learn from my mistakes.

• They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Although that saying holds truth, my suggestion is that you vary the menu. Knowing I could make a mean Orange Sherbet Salad (admittedly this really doesn’t require much skill), I made it until your dad loathed it. Learn from my mistake: trying new culinary creations is good for the palate and the marriage partnership.

• They say cleanliness is next to godliness. I say, just keep the red shirts out of the “white” load and you’re off to a great start. You’ll save yourself loads of time if you get this one right rather than trying to convince your hubby that real men do wear pink underwear.

• They say bigger is better; I say less is more. Although there’s a huge temptation to keep up with whoever the Joneses are in your life, it is simpler to live with less. Simple living means less to clean, less to maintain, less to pay off, less to de-clutter and fewer things to compete with your precious together time.

• They say don’t major in the minors and one of the best places to put this into practice is your marriage. As time progresses you will find little things that you don’t like in the love of your life and those little things can migrate into monsters if left unchecked. For every minor irritation, list five things that you love about your hubby and all the reasons that you fell in love with this man will stay cemented in your memory.

• They say that livestock manure smells like money and I say it just smells. There will be a day when you’re going to have to swallow those “nevers” about stepping foot in your new hubby’s pig barns. If you can ship hogs together there’s nothing that you can’t do as husband and wife. The good news is that the smell will wash out of your clothes and hair, and eventually it even diminishes from your nostrils.

• Harold Nicholson said, “The great secret of successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.” Although chick flicks and fairy tales always end with happily ever after, the reality of this life is that troubles will come. Although many of life’s difficulties are out of our control, we always have a choice how to respond to them. Keep God the center, talk it through, and remember that marriage is for life.

• An unknown author wrote, “Marriage should be a duet — when one sings, the other claps.” Be your spouse’s biggest advocate and supporter. Remind him often how much you love him and show him how much you care. There may be coming a day when your own children will be grossed out by your lengthy hugs in front of the kitchen sink. The day your teenagers groan is a sure sign that the romance is still alive.

• Speaking of kids, if and when you and Mark are blessed with your own, they’ll all say, “Enjoy every minute, the time goes by so fast.” I didn’t believe them during your 2 a.m. feedings or your toddler temper tantrums in the grocery store, but they were right. Seize moments, celebrate often and never miss an opportunity to tell your family how much you love them.

Sticking to my own advice, I’m not going to gloss over that opportunity here either. Dad and I love you and Mark with all our hearts. Our hearts are ready for the big day, even if the checkmarks fall short on the wedding day lists.

        

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