Published: August 21, 2008 02:01 pm            

The Back Porch: Men need respect — more than love — to feel confident

Originally published in the August 22, 2008, print edition.

“Dad, first the engine light came on in my car and then the coolant light came on.” Those were Stephanie’s words of greeting to her “Father Jon” when she walked in our front door.

“Did you look at the temp gauge?” he asked. “The needle will point to C or H. Was it on the hot side?”

Hesitating she answered, “No.”

“You didn’t look at the gauge, did you?” he pressed.

“Well, no,” she answered. “But I wouldn’t worry about the car being too hot. It’s not hot out; it’s even raining right now.”

Mike shook his head and her friend Logan looked at her with disbelief. She can’t be serious.

Until son-in-law Mark became part of our family a month ago, Mike’s life has been primarily surrounded with women — first growing up with two sisters, then a wife and three daughters. Yet comments and scenarios like Stephanie’s continue to baffle him.

On the flip side of Mike’s relationship with his women is how his comments and “men”-scenarios bewilder us.

During this summer’s GEMS Counselors’ Leadership Conference in Ridgecrest, N.C., Shaunti Feldhahn, best selling author of “For Women Only — What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men,” was one of the featured speakers. Through a national survey and personal interviews of over 1,000 men, she shared with the 600 women at the conference some things that helped to move us from confusion to comprehension when it comes to the men in our lives.

Men need respect. When the men surveyed were asked this question: Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world or to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer? Puzzling to many women, 74 percent of the respondents would rather be alone and unloved than to feel inadequate and disrespected.

Crazy thing is if you ask your girlfriends if they respect their husbands, most of them will say yes. Apparently, respect is not something that we are all communicating in ways that resonate with the men in our lives.

Do you relentlessly question or argue about every decision your husband makes? Although I’ll never recommend being a silent wallflower, it’s critical to know that what we perceive as proving a valid point, he is hearing as proof that we have zero respect for him, his opinions, or his decisions.

Do you lack confidence in his abilities — whether it’s remembering to drop off an item, knowing how to fix an appliance, or figuring out where in the world you are? Rather than giving him 10 reminders, calling a repairperson, or begging him to stop and ask directions, choose to trust him. Shaunti writes, “Having talked to dozens of men about (asking for directions), here is their near-unanimous opinion: Let him do it.”

One man said, “You’re right. I may have no idea where I’m going. But it’s fun; it’s a challenge. And I’m not stupid — I’ve got a clock on the dashboard. I know whether we’re going to be late or not.”

Although I have no recollection of what our first argument as husband and wife was all about, I remember this portion of it with absolute clarity, I told Mike it was stupid. The only thing he heard was that he was stupid, which only caused things to escalate. Had Shaunti’s book been available 20-plus years ago, I would have known that out of the millions of words to pick from in the middle of conflict with your hubby, “stupid” should never be permitted into the discussion.

Speaking of conflict, Shaunti communicated this finding from the national survey. Men were asked: Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues. In the middle of a conflict with my wife/significant other, I am more likely to be feeling A) That my wife/significant other doesn’t respect me right now or B) That my wife/significant other doesn’t love me right now. Ask the question of me, and I’m feeling B! Ask it of men and 81 percent report that during conflict they feel disrespected, not unloved.

One of the men interviewed told Shaunti, “You know that saying ‘Behind every good man is a great woman?’ Well, that is so true. If a man’s wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world — or at least his little corner of it. He will do better at work, at home, everywhere. By contrast, very few men can do well at work or at home if their wives make them feel inadequate.”

While many women long to hear these tender words, “I love you!” most men are longing for these words of trust, respect and adequacy, “I’m so proud of you!”

Girlfriends, that’s just one nugget of truth in the little relationship goldmine of a book, “For Women Only” that you really must read. Before your favorite man throws this book in your lap, Shaunti has a book for him, too: “For Men Only — A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women” by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.

If you and your spouse haven’t read these books already, why not make this a duo-reading assignment before harvest rolls around? I’ve yet to witness marriages grown on the farm that couldn’t benefit from greater understanding, love and respect.

        

• Click to discuss this story with other readers on our forums.